I’m 20 years old, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going. I’m not scared though. I’m excited.

1. I have 3 days to finish my first photo project for class and I’m not even halfway through yet.
2. The only time I have available in my schedule to print my work is Thursday (today), and campus is closed.
3. My tripod is broken as of 2 days ago.

I wasn’t being serious, than again, who thought I was?

I mean, come on, I wouldn’t take that face seriously either.

I had a rude awakening recently when I went to visit a high school to request to perform a student observation as one of the requirements for my Education degree. I walked in blindly thinking to myself “okay, this is no big deal, it’s not like I’m student teaching yet, I’ll just walk into the main office dressed in whatever the hell I was wearing after I finished classes and chat them up.” I ended up meeting with the Vice Principle who proceeded to give me tips concerning how I carry myself and make first impressions, and honestly, this has been a topic that I’ve been completely overlooking all this time. I went to college ready to explore and meet new people and started treating everyone as prospective friends, but the most important thing I’ve failed to realize is that I’m also meeting future and current professionals.

I’m not saying I can’t have fun, but I definitely need to take into consideration that things aren’t as simple as they were in high school. Although I’m a young adult, I’m still an adult nonetheless and so I’ll always be expected to perform and carry myself higher than I’m used to. I think the VP said it best when he told me that I need to begin bridging the gap between the students and the professionals. I may only be a year out of high school, but its time I start looking at these students through the eyes of a teacher, and not as another student.

I’ve reached a point where I’m beginning to lose interest in my work. The last two weeks of my 365 Project were completely half assed. While I admit, a lot of the photos in my project are supposed to deal with how my life and year went by, and therefore candid photos are more than welcomed, it does bother me that I couldn’t gather the motivation to plan out at least a single photo.

Aside from putting the very minimal effort possible into my last two weeks of photos, I’ve noticed a huge decline in my general productivity. I’ve been so tired lately, constantly crashing throughout the day and knocking out in the middle of the afternoon. In fact I can barely get through the morning without a single cup of coffee and I’m constantly bumming around my bedroom with a raging headache if I’m not pumping Gatorade into my system. I have no idea why Gatorade makes me feel good, but I’ve been having intense cravings for it and it’s honestly the only thing that has been taming my headaches… well aside from running, but I can’t even run at the moment because I sprained my ankle. I used to depend on running to clear my mind at night, a good 3-4 miles running alone at night is my guilty pleasure.

My final exams are starting next week as well. The semester is coming to a close and just a couple of days my Summer vacation is going to start. It’s weird that I’m so close to just pushing everything aside and welcoming my vacation and yet at the same time I’ve never felt so stressed and bothered in my life. To make matters worse I’ve noticed it climbing into my social life. I’m having trouble making time for my friends let alone myself.

My final exams are just around the corner. I have no motivation to take photos. I’m gaining weight. I can’t stay awake for a full day. I’m constantly dropping plans with friends at the last minute. I feel like I made no lasting connections with anyone at St Johns. I wake up on days I don’t have class and think to myself “Damn, it’s fucking afternoon, I just wasted an entire morning, again.” I look at old pictures and get really depressed. I miss partying until 5 in the morning. I miss Paige Dorgan.

There’s just so many things on my mind that I can’t put the effort that I want to put into my photography. At the moment I’m just patiently waiting for school to come to a close and hopefully I’ll feel a little refreshed. I find it odd that none of my problems seem to be any real issues but rather things that I could probably sleep off in a day, and yet they’re still stuck in my head.

Another day, another impulse buy. I found a life sized cardboard cutout of the Mad Hatter at Blockbuster today and just had to buy it.

I think this was the finishing touch my room needed! After one year, operation “Renovate Bedroom” is finally complete!!